And All Other Things

It’s that day.

The day that falls on the 14th day of the 2nd month every year.

I joke and say it’s Singles Awareness Day.

But it’s not that much different than any other day for me.

I have been aware of my singleness every day for 28 years… haha

Although I have also nicknamed it Bleak Sunday (or any day on which the day falls).

Anyway, one would think I would be extra depressed on such a day, especially surrounded by marrieds and engageds and daters and such.

I would be lying if I said my status did not suck.  But today I had a happy day. Hearing and reading about other couples’ happiness. Yep, it’s tough to be reminded of my singledom, but it’s cool seeing people happy.

For instance, my friend Dana. She and her boyfriend were unable to get together today because they both had to work. They will make it up on Tuesday. But her boyfriend sent her flowers and a card that read something like this:

[front of card] There is nothing sweet or sexy about this card [inside of card] except for the person reading it.

If that does not spell cute, what does?

And I know that I am constantly quoting and referring to this blog. And I am not a stalker, I promise. I just loved the entry found here.

I talked to Dana on the phone and read Bianca’s entry all within seconds. And their happiness just made my day.

Yep, it’s hard to be single happy in the face of everybody’s couple happy.

But I said hard, not impossible.

A cheerful look brings joy to the heart, and good news gives health to the bones.

Proverbs 15:30

You know the drill. Especially in the movies. Someone wants something. Or wants to know something. And they will ask God to give them a sign. A sign that they are doing the right thing, making the right decision, or even a sign that He, God, exists.

I am getting baptized this Sunday (January 24). People are quite surprised that I have not been baptized yet. I have no real good excuse, but the one thing that stopped me in my teen years, especially, was the feeling that I had to be perfect before I did it. And I know (and knew) that perfection is not possible and only Jesus is perfect. But my human brain cringed at the thought of being baptized and then disappointing people and God when I did something wrong. I grew out of that phase though. God says come as you are… well not in those exact words, but He did say that He came for the sick and the sinners; not the heathly and the righteous. He told Levi/Matthew, the tax collect to follow Him. He didn’t say, “Yeah, I want you to follow me. But please get better before you do.” And I am grateful for that. That God accepts me as I am because God knows that I am…imperfect.

I have been a Christian my whole life, but my faith is not always the strongest. I would be lying if I said it was. But, I can say that it is hard for me to deny God if only for the signs He has shown me in my lifetime. Many times, and one time very recently, I have been discussing with a friend and he or she will ask me about my faith. They ask me how I know that Jesus exists. How can I be certain? I say because He has made it very hard for me not to see Him. He’s kinda like a kid, sitting behind you kicking your chair. If you don’t turn around, you don’t see him, but you know he’s there. There have been so many – yes I will use the word again – signs. And I’m not talking about the sheer perfection of creation – you know like the grass and animals and flowers and stuff – which is cool in itself. About about blatant punching me in the face with His awesomeness.

My parents survival in the country is riddled with God signs.

The fact that my first brother is alive and not mentally or physically disabled is a God sign.

The fact that I’m alive and not dead due to cult sacrifice is definitely a God sign (yep you read correctly. Wanna hear about this story?)

Jesus has shown Himself to me many times and in many ways. And although I have always followed Him, it’s high time to take the step and join the Body as He so commanded.

¹³Once again Jesus went out beside

the lake. A large crowd came to him,

and he began to teach them. ¹

⁴As he walked along, he saw Levi son

of Alphaeus sitting at the tax collector’s

booth. “Follow me,” Jesus told him,

and Levi got up and followed him.

¹⁵While Jesus was having dinner at

Levi’s house, many tax collectors and

“sinners” were eating with him and

his disciples, for there were many who

followed him. ¹⁶When the teachers of

the law who were Pharisees saw

him eating with the “sinners” and tax

collectors, they asked his disciples:

“Why does he eat with tax collectors

and ’sinners’?” ¹⁷On hearing this, Jesus

said to them, “It is not the healthy

who need a doctor, but the sick.

I have not come to call the righteous,

but sinners.”

mark 2:13-17

i love that song.

india arie is awesome.

so, I am sitting in my house, working from home, with that instrumental playing

&

i am singing at the top of my lungs.

my mom happened to come down to the laundry room.

at the end of this song,

with the last words:

“to prove I am ready for love”

my mom quips from the other room, “me too. i’m ready for grandchildren. God knows i’m ready.”

<<insert approx. 6.5 minutes of off topic conversation>>

and then to wrap up the convo, my mom returns with “as for hungry for love, or thirsty for love… or whatever… God will provide.”

That He will.

Ready for Love – India Arie

This post is  about something different than the last ones. There is more to life than working out after all. This post concerns something else on my radar.

My lack of love life.

Yep. I have been single for 10,291 days (10,292 at the end of this day).

That’s 28 years, 2 months, 3 days (4 days at the end of this day).

Ok, I know that the first years of my life don’t count, but it makes it more dramatic, no?

It’s funny because so many people tell me, “oh, it’s because you’re picky.” But I think one has to have people approaching or asking one out to be picky. Basically, you have to have people interested in you to say no to. I do not have that.

And I am doing the online dating thing… well attempting it, but nothing so far. It kinda feels like if I can’t even do it right online, do I even have any hope??

Ok, before this turns into a “woe is me” (before??), let’s just get to the reason for my post. It was because of this post and this post. I loved them both. In regards to the first link, I literally could not have said it better myself. Jummy wrote this about herself, but I could have very well dictated it to her. It’s exactly what I think about often. This is the part that got me thinking the most:

I hope my time will come, I think it will, but every now and then I wonder. I also greedily wonder whether my “story” will be one that I’ll share with excitement, and get shivers reliving. Then I wonder if, as I get older, I should give up lower my expectations on some of the more romantic elements of a relationship and focus on compromising with someone who I care about and who cares about me. Maybe that’s part of growing up.

I do not want to compromise, but I get scared and think that I may have to. That I may have to settle for Mr. Good Enough. I feel that I already do that often in life. That I settle for something that I like, but not love. With something that is ok, and not the best. With things that will be fine, but not amazing. I fear that I will do that with my love life. I know I won’t do it, but I fear that I may.

Does that make sense?

And I am romantic person. Most people do not know this about me, but I am. I dream of someone who will look at me with eyes of such love that I can feel it from across the room. I pray for someone who will call me in the middle of the day just because he wants to hear my voice. And who will not be annoyed when I call him just to say hi and tell him about something funny I just saw. I want someone who loves me like Ragamuffin Soul and Whittaker Woman love each other. Look at this.

I want to be married to the love of my life. Is that too much to ask?

Sometimes what I want seems like it is a lot to ask. I don’t know. I don’t think it is, but as I get older, I’m afraid that my chances are slipping away. I feel myself losing hope.

But then I remember to turn to prayer. With that I try to clear my head and remember Psalm 37:4.

Sometimes it’s hard though.